Grieving

Today is a really rough day for me. I found out from my mother that the last of my childhood pets, a beagle named Ethan, and a cat named Memphis, passed away. Ethan a few weeks ago from old age, and Memphis after a valiant fight with cancer.

I know a lot of you will wonder at my grief here because they are "just" animals but...for me they never were. Pets always had a special place in my family. They were "furry people" and they knew it. I was very lucky in pets growing up. We never had fewer than one dog and after I was about five, never fewer than two cats. I just want to talk about the animals that I've loved and lost for a little bit, if that's ok. I want them to know that they are loved and remembered.

Baxter and Sweetpea were the dogs who were there when I was born who used to sleep under my crib and follow me around the house. Baxter was a hound-dog mix who was way too smart for his own good. Sweetpea was a terrier-mix who was black and white as a baby, and a dignified steel-gray and black at the end of her very long life. My parents saved her life and I know she never forgot it.

We found the cats Cally and Cinnamon in a garbage dump in a small town in tidewater Virginia. Cally came and got into my lap when we first met, clearly "adopting" me. We caught Cinny a week later. Cally was the smartest animal I have ever known and my constant companion growing up. Cinny grew into the embodiment of quiet sweetness who never met a patch of sunlit floor she didn't like.

Our dog Jake was a beautiful black, white, and brown mix who liked to stand up and "dance" with me, Grizwald (named for the national lampoons family because he was so goofy) was a lab-mix who proved that there was no such thing as a bad dog, some just need more training than others. Rosie was dubbed the "Wonder Beagle" for all that she survived in her long life and Toby, the little beagle, was so shy and sweet and wanted so badly to please us to show us how grateful he was to be adopted. He was taken from us suddenly and way before his time. The first book I ever wrote was about Rosie, Toby, Cally, and Cinny trying to solve the mystery of the werewolf in the woods behind our house.

And Ethan, the last in a long, proud line of dogs...my family brought him home when I was in the seventh grade. I'd stayed home to study for an exam and when they got home there was this young, incredibly lively beagle with them. He was the first dog I ever had who ripped apart some of my books and man if he wasn't proud of himself for showing that mean old book who was boss. He liked to sing with you if you sang in front of him and for some reason only he knew, he loved broccoli and red onions. He snored so loudly you could hear him three floors up and years after moving out of my parents house I would still find his hair on things. Whenever I came home from college he was always the first member of the family to come and say "welcome home". He'd sprint across the driveway and careen into my legs so hard he would almost knock me over, then he'd about kill himself trying to crawl up my body so he could lick my face.

Memphis was a kitten when we brought him home after Cally died, a little black and white bundle of fur who hid behind the washing machine. He liked to sit in my lap when I crossed my legs and was very fond of munching on the big wolf spiders that lived around our house. He was so goofy and sweet and his presence was the only thing that saved Cinny from completely disappearing into herself after Cally died. He had spunk and was so friendly that you'd think he was a small, cat-shaped dog.

Ethan, Memphis, I'm so sorry I wasn't home when you left us. Memphy, it kills me to know you were so sick. You were such a young boy and I know you must have been scared and in pain. I know that mom and dad did everything that they could for you and I know that you were grateful for it. Thank you for taking care of Cinny and for being the joyful, silly boy that you were. I know that you're now with the other members of our furry family and that you're free of pain. Ethan, my beagle, I'm so sorry that I never saw you again after I left the last time. I hope that you know that I thought about you every day. There's a picture of you and Cally on the little fridge next to my desk. You're both lying out on the deck in the sun. You look so content and happy. I hope that you know that I love you. That though there were circumstances that kept me from home I never abandoned you. I knew you were safe at home, I always asked after you, and I always talked about you with love and pride. I have faith that even though I was gone you knew that I loved you and Ethan, I know you would have run (just a little more slowly) to greet me even after all this time. I'm so sorry I didn't make it home in time to see you. I'm so sorry.

My furry family, you guys were never just pets. You were my best friends and partners in crime growing up. You were protectors and loyal friends. You taught me so much about love, and loyalty, and gratitude, and just plain being able to enjoy bright sun and good company. Your snores, and purrs, and beagling are the sounds of my childhood and home. While I am not sure of where I might go after my own death, I know that there are Summerlands for you. A place where you are all young and whole and together. You deserve it. I know that for me, no afterlife could be truly heavenly without you in it.

Ethan, Memphis, go and play with everyone. Memphis, I know that Cinny will be so happy to see you. Ethan...Good boy.

Rest in peace.