You're Not Alone

It has been a hard few weeks. I know I'm not alone in this. In the past few days I have had a number of conversations with different friends about how depression has been wreaking havoc on their heads and hearts. To the friends who I've spoken to, thank you for confiding in me and thank you for helping me feel like I am not alone. Even when the people in your life are supportive depression is still really isolating, so I am glad that we can lean on each other.

I wanted to talk about something that one of my best friends, who is also having a rough time, said to me yesterday. He expressed frustration because he doesn't have time to just...break down. It broke my heart to hear because I have said those words so many times. “I don't have time”, “what do I have to be sad about”, “it is what it is”, “I can handle it”...I have said all those things and you know what sixteen years of dealing with this mental illness has taught me?

Depression/depressive feelings really don't give a crap if you have time or not. Yes, as grown-ups we still have to work and push and keep our lives together, but there has to be a balance. If you had been throwing up for 24 hours and there was no end in sight you would probably go to the doctor, right? Pretending that you were fine and going about your life would only succeed in getting everyone around you covered in vomit and sick.

That is a gross metaphor...sorry.

But the point still stands. I know that when I go too long without asking for help, without taking time for myself, eventually the crazy, like so many rabid ferrets, escapes. It gets all over everything. I projectile vomit all the anger, sadness, frustration, everything that I have been bottling up all over the place. I end up hurting people I love the most when I have gone too long without acknowledging that I am worth some time to just...be.

When I first started getting help with my depression I had a doctor say something that has always stuck with me. She asked me what flight attendants always tell passengers to do in the event of a loss of cabin pressure when the oxygen masks drop down. What do they tell you? “Please secure your own mask before assisting anyone else”, or something to that effect. Right?

I feel deeply blessed because I know so many good, caring, often way too selfless people. It is really hard for those people, like the aforementioned friend, to actually put themselves first. But you know what? If you don't take care of yourself then you are eventually not going to be any good for anyone else. If you pass out from lack of oxygen then how can you help anyone else? My friends with depression, anyone reading this going through a hard time, please, please, please remember that you owe it to the people you love and want to take care of to take care of yourselves. That's going to mean different things to each of you. For some of you it might mean something as simple as taking a bath with a glass of wine or watching something on television that isn't going to improve your mind at all. For some of you it is going to mean going for a drive and allowing yourself to cry or scream or just blast the radio and sing along. Some of you it's going to mean opening up where you haven't before and admitting your fear or sadness and telling the truth about how you feel. One of the things you learn pretty fast dealing with these feelings is how to lie. How to pretend that everything is fine. It's ok not to do that all the time. It's ok to not be ok sometimes.

You are worth honesty. You are worth asking for help when you need it. And don't underestimate the people in your lives, either. I can't tell you how often I am still surprised by people's understanding. I shortcut people all the time. I assume that people don't want to hear all my crazy or that if I told the truth about how I felt that it would drive people from my life. More often than not I am surprised in a good way when people choose to stand closer and give me someone to lean on.

I'm writing today from a bad place. I shared a few weeks ago that my depression has been bad and some things have happened in the past 24 hours that have only served to exacerbate it. But I'm still here, still fighting, and it's largely because of the wonderful people who stand beside me. I suck at leaning on people and I try to do things alone for way too long, but I am trying to remember that it is ok to ask for help.

I hope all of this made sense and doesn't sound too much like a self-help book. I have had no sleep and a lot of coffee and so I've more or less vibrated these words out. I'm going to try and get some work done...possibly while watching Iron Man so Tony Stark's snark (say that 3 times fast) can make me laugh. I just wanted to say these things before working. It's good for me to take the time to remind myself of them as well.

Please, don't try to shoulder everything alone, my friends. And remember to put your mask on before assisting anyone else. You deserve to breathe.

All the love,

E.W.

Research Does TOO Apply!

Happy New Year, Dear Reader! I hope that your holidays were full of fun, family, and good food. :)

I wanted to talk to you about something that is very important to me today, especially after my last post about Twilight.

I'll begin with a quotation, if you don't mind:

“One of the great things about fantasy is that research rarely applies.”¹

I mentioned in my previous entry that I had issues with some of the things the creator of Twilight, Stephenie Meyer, said. Well, the quotation above would be one of those things.

When I first read that quotation I swear to you, Dear Reader, that I thought I was being trolled. I thought that one of Mrs. Meyer's many detractors on the anonymous intertubes was just putting words in her mouth for shock value. I hunted down the quotation to assess it's legitimacy and then spent a good couple of minutes staring at the screen, torn between utter bewilderment and, I'm not gonna lie, rage.

Now, to play devil's advocate for just a moment, I think I understand what she was maybe trying to say, especially of the context of this: “I didn't do much in the way of research as I was creating my own unique world”², which is from another interview. Conceptually, especially for an inexperienced writer, I can understand this misapprehension. I mean, it's fantasy, right? It's magic and dragons and elves, or in her case, vampires and werewolves, so what is there to research about that? You're making it up. Unfortunately, this logic ultimately fails in her case for two big reasons.

One:

The Twilight world isn't purely a world of her own creation. The story takes place in our world, but with supernatural elements thrown in. The supernatural elements are her own, certainly, but the setting is still EARTH. Therefore there is still a responsibility on her part to research it. Real world things like physics and biology still apply. Cell phones exist, as do MP3 players and the amber alert system. While I have never been to the pacific northwest, the idea that it is as oppressively, constantly cloudy as it would need to be to keep the Cullens from forever shining like discoballs strains my credulity as a reader. The idea that in a post-9/11 world Alice could get herself and Bella to Italy at the drop of a hat so easily seems suspect. An entire ferry of people disappearing and no one noticing? These are things that rip a reader right out of a story because in the real world they just don't make sense. Of course, when you are reading a work of fiction you do suspend your disbelief, that's part of the fun, but that only gives a writer so much wiggle room. I'll buy vampires existing in secret in our world. Why not? However, I will not buy that Edward can re-inherit his family's property every few decades (estate law doesn't work that way). So, while I can understand some of where she might get the idea that fantasy like hers doesn't require research, I must disagree even in the context of “her world”.

Two (and this is the big one):

Even if you are creating your own world completely from scratch you still have to do research.

YOU STILL HAVE TO DO RESEARCH EVEN IF YOU CREATE A WORLD COMPLETELY FROM SCRATCH.

Sorry. I just wanted to make that abundantly clear.

Again, I can understand where an inexperienced writer might think that because they are writing “fantasy” they don't have to do research. However, if any of you reading this are aspiring writers I want to go ahead and disabuse you of that notion.

Research does apply to fantasy.

Just from personal experience I can tell you that it is incredibly rare that I can get through a day without doing at least a little bit of research. A lot of times I will start on Wikipedia in order to find out how I should narrow my search. Then I am off and traipsing through the internet or going to the library. I have spent hours reading up on jewelry and jewelry making, leather working, fashion, lighting, weather, and what types of spiders like to work in groups, just to name a few. And it isn't so that I can have a huge section describing...how to make a sword, for example. If you just regurgitate your research for the reader it tends to a) stand out and b) be really dull. The point isn't to wiggle your research in front of the reader, it is to know what you're talking about so that you can ground your world in reality. Ultimately, it is more for your sake than the reader's. The more you know and are able to integrate well-researched facts with your fantasy world, the better the chances are of not having a reader lose focus on the story to think: “wait, that doesn't seem right”.

And that is another thing that just...rubs me the wrong way about that statement about research. If you don't research you are banking on your readers being too dumb to notice. That sounds really harsh, but if you don't trust that your reader is at least as smart as you are it is going to lead to really, really lazy writing habits. Don't underestimate your reader. Don't assume that just because you couldn't be arsed to look something up that no one else will. I say this as an obnoxious fangirl with a background in analyzing literature. I am really forgiving when I read because I like to lose myself in a story. But if enough things strike me as off you can bet I'll go and ferret out an answer. There is a threshold for most of us in terms of what we will believe. Disbelief can only be suspended for so long before it snaps and the curtain comes falling down to reveal the unimpressive old man behind it.

Don't presume a lack of intelligence in your reader.

Is this to say that I am perfect or that every last thing in my books is perfectly researched? No, I would never claim that. However, it is really, really upsetting to me to have a successful writer telling other writers that if you can call what you're doing “fantasy” you don't have to research it. Please, any writers or would-be writers reading this, please don't take that bit of advice to heart. Not only is it incorrect in practice, but it is a lazy habit to get into. I don't care if you're writing fantasy, sci-fi, or teen paranormal romance. Please give your readers credit for their intelligence and do your homework. 

 

1http://www.libraryjournal.com/article/CA6557492.html

2http://cynthialeitichsmith.blogspot.com/2006/03/author-interview-stephenie-meyer-on.html