I wanted to write a little bit today because, well, the past year has been a fucking rough one. This year I've fought harder than I have in 10 years against my depression. There were a lot of days, some of them in the past couple of months, that I really didn't think that I was going to get to today.
But I did. I hit 28 today. I didn't try to end my life this year. Gods know that I have had my bad moments. But...damn it, I'm a cockroach and I am still here.
I turned 28 today and more than anything in this world...I'm grateful.
I'm grateful that I am still here. I'm grateful for every time that there was something, whether it was an unexpected phone call from a friend or an inquiring "meow" from my cat that brought me back from a dangerous edge. Part of living with this mental illness is dealing with days when you wish you weren't here anymore, days when you wish that the pain would just stop. But it is so good to remember there can be days when you are glad to wake up. Days when the good outnumbers or outweighs the bad...that can still happen.
I'm grateful to be turning 28 today. I'm grateful for the loved ones who hold me up when I swear I don't have the strength to do it anymore. I'm grateful for the family who raised me to be a fighter. I'm grateful for my work, which I love, that drags me out of bed on the days when I want to hide there. I'm grateful to have access to doctors who listen, who are fighting as hard for me as I am to stay.
Thank you, from the very bottom of my heart, to all of you who give me something new to fight for every day. Thank you for the encouragement on the days when I feel weak and lost, thank you for bitching at me about what happened to Roderick, thank you for making me laugh when I swear that I have forgotten how.
It's so easy to forget that there are good days, but today is one of them. I refuse to forget, to let it be lost in the maelstrom of bad feelings. Please, if today is one of the dark days for you...please remember that it can still be good. It won't always be easy, but it can still be good. Please don't give up. Fight for another birthday. Fight for another year when you can blow out the candles, raise a glass, or whatever equates celebration for you and know that you made it. The fight's worth it.
Love to you all, and thank you again.
~E.W.
