Is stalking ever ok? ***trigger warning***

Good afternoon, Friends. I'm sorry that it has been so long since my last post. As you probably gathered I've been going through a bit of a rough time. I'm doing my best to claw my way out of it and as such my focus has mostly been on writing. It's been good for me, but it's well past time for me to post something. So here I am.

Last Friday after I got back home from what was a very exciting, albeit long, day I didn't want to do anything except have a glass of wine and watch some TV. I knew I had an episode of How I Met Your Mother to catch up on, so I settled in to watch what I had been told was a really funny episode.

:Spoilers Below:

Now, I love HIMYM. I think it's a great show and it's even got a couple of my favorite actors on it. I really enjoyed the episode “P.S. I love you”, which was all about how it is possible for anyone to get a little crazy and obsessive.

However, as the episode finished I found myself feeling uncharacteristically disturbed. I try hard not to take things I see on television too terribly seriously. I'm always annoyed by those people who want to take apart every show/video game/movie, whatever, and talk about why it is awful and evil. That said, I found that I couldn't just dismiss this episode as light-hearted and funny.

Why am I disturbed by a show that I love, you might ask? In a word: stalking. In this particular episode Ted talks about what he calls “Dobler vs. Dahmer”, the idea that if a person's actions are either sweet or creepy depends completely on the person on the receiving end of it. For example, in the episode there is a girl on the subway who is reading the same book as Ted. He begins to try and track her down, only to be stopped by his friends. Much to his surprise, the girl tracks him down to his work. Over the course of the episode it is revealed that the girl has gone to alarming lengths to arrange for the two of them to meet. There are other plotlines involving stalking as well and it is all framed within this “Dobler vs. Dahmer” idea.

Now, I get what they are going for and, as I said, the episode was really funny. But...even though I laughed and did enjoy it, it also kind of raised the hairs on the back of my neck.

Why? Well, not to be alarmist, but I think that playing stalking for laughs is dangerous in a rape culture where more and more people are being taught not to respect that “no means no”. Instead, someone refusing to take “no” for an answer is something that we are supposed to be complimented by. It is supposed to be a sign of the depth of their feelings. Of their passion.

Am I being crazy? I don't think so. You can't swing a paperback without hitting some reference to 50 Shades of Grey, which has replaced the Twilight books as the swoon-over-the-hearthrob-male-lead book. Well, let's look at the male leads in those books. They both stalk their respective would-be partners. In Twilight Edward stalks Bella obsessively (and she returns the favor). He breaks into her house and watches her sleep. He uses the minds of her classmates to keep tabs on her. He uses a new car to bribe Alice to keep Bella effectively prisoner while he is gone. In the first book when Bella finds out that he followed her to Port Angeles what is her response?

“I wondered if it should bother me that he was following me; instead I felt a strange surge of pleasure.” (Italics mine)

Or perhaps from 50 Shades:

“'How did you find me?'

'I tracked your cell phone Anastasia.'

Oh, of course he did. How is that possible? Is it legal? Stalker, my subconscious whispers at me through the cloud of tequila that’s still floating in my brain, but somehow, because it’s him, I don’t mind.” (Bold mine)

Edward and Christian are supposed to be the perfect men. They are the men who we, the audience, are supposed to root for the female lead (our proxy in the story) to get together with. We are supposed to excuse their behavior because they are just so dreamy and damn it we should be flattered that such a paragon of manhood would want to take the time and make the effort to hunt us down. Because that's what it is. It's hunting. It's what predators do. And every day there are dozens of people who find themselves subjected to that kind of attention. And what's really scary is that culturally we are being taught that flattered is the response that we should have. We should take it as a compliment. Also alarming is that to go along with this charming environment of predation there is a massive tendency towards victim blaming. It is the stalkee's fault that they are being pursued. They must have done something to ask for it.

*Shudders*

Stalking isn't romantic. It is terrifying. Love, real love and relationships are about mutual trust and respect. If you stalk someone you are imposing your desires upon them. It is inherently selfish. It is about fulfilling the stalker's needs. It is not loving or respectful.

I guess the big question that this episode brought up to me really is tied to this idea that if the person being stalked is it ok with it, are the stalker's actions still wrong?

I look at the examples from popular literature that I have already cited and they make me cringe. I certainly find Edward and Christian's actions reprehensible. If they were my friends I would still take them to task for it, regardless of how their targets felt about it. If Christian were my son he would be in a world of trouble for stalking someone. So, even though I know that their respective partners appreciate that type of attention, I still can't get behind the idea that it is ok.

If one of my friends were being stalked I would be terrified for them, even if they were flattered by the attention. I would try to talk them out of being flattered by it, not because I am a meddler, but because I wouldn't want anything to happen to them. Stalking isn't a sign of affection. It is a bid for control that is ultimately rooted in selfish desires. And it rarely ends well. For those reasons, I know that my answer to the question that titles this post is a resounding "HELL NO".

I don't know. I'm not trying to preach. I don't have any answers. I am just deeply alarmed at this trend towards normalizing stalking and abuse.

I think this is a good place to stop and collect my thoughts. It's totally possible that I will write some more on this at a later date...I just wanted to get some of these thoughts on paper. Feel free to weigh in in the comments if there's anything you'd like me to address. Like I said, I don't have all the answers and I'm not trying to preach-I just wanted to share some of my thoughts/feelings on the subject.