You're Not Alone

It has been a hard few weeks. I know I'm not alone in this. In the past few days I have had a number of conversations with different friends about how depression has been wreaking havoc on their heads and hearts. To the friends who I've spoken to, thank you for confiding in me and thank you for helping me feel like I am not alone. Even when the people in your life are supportive depression is still really isolating, so I am glad that we can lean on each other.

I wanted to talk about something that one of my best friends, who is also having a rough time, said to me yesterday. He expressed frustration because he doesn't have time to just...break down. It broke my heart to hear because I have said those words so many times. “I don't have time”, “what do I have to be sad about”, “it is what it is”, “I can handle it”...I have said all those things and you know what sixteen years of dealing with this mental illness has taught me?

Depression/depressive feelings really don't give a crap if you have time or not. Yes, as grown-ups we still have to work and push and keep our lives together, but there has to be a balance. If you had been throwing up for 24 hours and there was no end in sight you would probably go to the doctor, right? Pretending that you were fine and going about your life would only succeed in getting everyone around you covered in vomit and sick.

That is a gross metaphor...sorry.

But the point still stands. I know that when I go too long without asking for help, without taking time for myself, eventually the crazy, like so many rabid ferrets, escapes. It gets all over everything. I projectile vomit all the anger, sadness, frustration, everything that I have been bottling up all over the place. I end up hurting people I love the most when I have gone too long without acknowledging that I am worth some time to just...be.

When I first started getting help with my depression I had a doctor say something that has always stuck with me. She asked me what flight attendants always tell passengers to do in the event of a loss of cabin pressure when the oxygen masks drop down. What do they tell you? “Please secure your own mask before assisting anyone else”, or something to that effect. Right?

I feel deeply blessed because I know so many good, caring, often way too selfless people. It is really hard for those people, like the aforementioned friend, to actually put themselves first. But you know what? If you don't take care of yourself then you are eventually not going to be any good for anyone else. If you pass out from lack of oxygen then how can you help anyone else? My friends with depression, anyone reading this going through a hard time, please, please, please remember that you owe it to the people you love and want to take care of to take care of yourselves. That's going to mean different things to each of you. For some of you it might mean something as simple as taking a bath with a glass of wine or watching something on television that isn't going to improve your mind at all. For some of you it is going to mean going for a drive and allowing yourself to cry or scream or just blast the radio and sing along. Some of you it's going to mean opening up where you haven't before and admitting your fear or sadness and telling the truth about how you feel. One of the things you learn pretty fast dealing with these feelings is how to lie. How to pretend that everything is fine. It's ok not to do that all the time. It's ok to not be ok sometimes.

You are worth honesty. You are worth asking for help when you need it. And don't underestimate the people in your lives, either. I can't tell you how often I am still surprised by people's understanding. I shortcut people all the time. I assume that people don't want to hear all my crazy or that if I told the truth about how I felt that it would drive people from my life. More often than not I am surprised in a good way when people choose to stand closer and give me someone to lean on.

I'm writing today from a bad place. I shared a few weeks ago that my depression has been bad and some things have happened in the past 24 hours that have only served to exacerbate it. But I'm still here, still fighting, and it's largely because of the wonderful people who stand beside me. I suck at leaning on people and I try to do things alone for way too long, but I am trying to remember that it is ok to ask for help.

I hope all of this made sense and doesn't sound too much like a self-help book. I have had no sleep and a lot of coffee and so I've more or less vibrated these words out. I'm going to try and get some work done...possibly while watching Iron Man so Tony Stark's snark (say that 3 times fast) can make me laugh. I just wanted to say these things before working. It's good for me to take the time to remind myself of them as well.

Please, don't try to shoulder everything alone, my friends. And remember to put your mask on before assisting anyone else. You deserve to breathe.

All the love,

E.W.