So,
something a friend said to me got me thinking about my previous post
about stalking. If I may, I'd like to make a small addition to it.
I
know that interpersonal interaction doesn't come naturally for
everyone (myself included). I have personally witnessed and been the
focus of attention that could be interpreted as stalking, but was
never meant that way. There
was no intention to stalk or “hunt”. What there was was: a
lack of awareness about what was appropriate behavior, shyness,
awkwardness, and in some cases a lack of experience interacting with
people, especially of the opposite sex. I still know a lot of men who
aren't entirely sure about how to interact with women and vice versa.
Interpersonal relationships are hard, especially when you are
trying to approach someone for whom your feelings are romantic in
nature.
Before
I go any further, I want to take a second to say that I am not
trying to say that we should just write off behavior that is
inappropriate because the perpetrator of said behavior isn't aware. I
am NOT trying to say that a lack of experience or social skills makes
harassing someone ok. What I do want to address is the fact that often people aren't aware that their behavior is being received in a negative way and don't want it to be.
I do believe that ultimately it is on each of
us to to be aware of our behavior and how it impacts those around us. That said, it is sometimes hard to remember how vastly perception varies from
person to person. What I think is funny might be hideously
offensive to someone else. I worry about this often as I can be, as a
friend said today, “unwholesome”. I replay conversations over and
over in my head and often when we leave a social event I will grill
Husband about whether I offended anyone or not. As shocking as it may
be to my friends, I DO try and monitor what comes out of my mouth
because the last thing I want to do is hurt anyone or make them
uncomfortable. I can admit, however, that I didn't always have the
awareness of other people to even think about that. It took good
friends and mentors pointing out when my words or behavior were not
ok to put some of that structure in place. It also took getting out
of negative situations and away from negative people. How could I alter my interactions if my "reputation" was keeping me from having them in the first place?
I know a lot of people (myself included) who found
themselves outcasts, labeled things like: “stalker” or “creeper”
or “weirdo". Those labels, especially in small communities, got
around and prevented us from being perceived in any other
way. It can destroy your confidence to know that people have decided
that you're creepy or weird, especially if it is only the result of stumbling
in your initial interactions with others. First impressions are hard
to change, but they are often so very wrong. Labels stick and can
become self-fulfilling when those who are their targets aren't given
the chance to show that they are anything else. I didn't get a chance
to shake the "weirdo" reputation until I had left one school for a far more positive
environment. I have talked about personal accountability in terms of
being aware of how our behavior impacts those around us and it applies here as well. I know that I have wrongfully referred
to people in ways that colored how others then perceived them, and
that was wrong of me. It's something important to remember. Our
words do have power and by even jokingly calling someone a name we
can make that name the epithet that unfairly hounds them and further
cuts them off from chances to alter how they are perceived.
HOWEVER,
I will still gleefully label Christian and Edward as “creepy
stalkers”. They are clearly hunting down prey and do not give a
damn what the “object” of their desires wants. They are
completely selfish with regards to their partners. Of course, as they
are both richer than Croesus, they try to hide it by constantly
buying gifts and claiming that they are just “protecting” their
partners. It's bullshit, but, you know, that's what they claim. Lucky
for them, their partners buy it. Although honestly...I say “lucky
for them” but I shudder to think what would have happened to Bella
if she'd actually refused Edward and meant it. I feel like nothing
short of the Winchesters teaming up with Buffy could have saved her.
For both Edward and Christian the intention is to impose their will
upon their partner. It is about control and getting what they want.
There is an intention to pursue until their would-be partner
“belongs” to them.
And
yes, I know I brought it back to my issues with Twilight and the 50
Shades series. But the reason that I rail against stalking as
a literary device is that I feel it is reinforcing a trend where it
is socially acceptable. And I am not ok with that.
I
hope this makes sense. I wanted to try and address some additional
perspectives.
As
always, all the love.
~E.W.
No comments:
Post a Comment