Hello
friends!
I'm
sorry that it's been almost a month since I last posted. The past few
weeks have been...weird. On the one hand, I have been working
furiously on Project #3. I think I'm only just a little bit behind,
so that's good. On the other, depression is still depression. It lies and some days I'm not strong enough to call it on its bullshit.
Thankfully,
I have had some relief lately. It has been beautiful here and my
favorite sporting event is on tv for the next few weeks. The TDF has
given me something to look forward to every day this week, which
those of you who suffer from depression know is such a life saver. I
find the tour inspiring in general—I think those men are
incredible--but in the past few days the courage and general
badassitude of men like Geraint Thomas has been so uplifting.
...and
I should stop myself before this devolves into pure fangirling. I did
actually have something besides awesome cyclists that I wanted to
talk about today.
Yesterday
I read Ken's awesome post over on Popehat. The
central concern that he brings up is this: “...Few topics are as
consistent in their ability to draw anger and trolling and bizarre
visitors as the issue of sexual harassment and responses to it.”
I
found his post to be very interesting and thoughtful, but man...I
forgot one of the cardinal rules of the internet. That being: If you
don't want to end up ragequitting, DON'T READ COMMENTS.
Yes,
there were some really great thoughts and points. However, one of the
things that came up there, that has come up in response to all of the
craziness with SFWA, and even in response to John Scalzi's post today, is the anger that Ken is talking
about.
And
what's super disturbing to me is that the anger he's talking about,
by and large, isn't the anger of the people who are the victims.
It is the anger of those defending the harassers or the culture of
harassment. It is people citing the rare examples of exaggerated
harassment claims, or the times people have lied about rape to
discredit or devalue the words of those who do report it. Those
things do happen and it would be disingenuous of me to pretend that
they haven't. However, they are not the norm. The norm is, in fact,
cases of legitimate harassment. The norm is a culture where imposing
your desires on someone (especially, sorry to say, if you are a man
and the other person is a woman) is perfectly acceptable and indeed
lauded in some
circles. It says something deeply disturbing when people react to
being told: “Don't harass other people” with vitriol and cries of
censorship.
Sorry,
but it isn't censorship to tell a person that something that they
have said was not appropriate. Just because you have thoughts,
desires, or urges doesn't mean that the rest of us are required
to be subjected to them.
It
also isn't that the people who are reporting harassment cannot take a
joke or want to censor the ribald humor of those around us. That's
not the point. We aren't asking to be treated like speshul
snowflakes. We aren't, strictly speaking, asking
for anything. We are saying that it is not ok for you to continue to
dehumanize us by reducing us to what you
want at that moment. It is about pushing back against the obnoxious
sense of entitlement that says that if you want someone you have the
right to impose that
on them.
I
know that a lot of people might be inclined to respond saying: “Well
I'd be just thrilled if a hot person of the gender I am attracted to
came up to me and told me how fine my ass looked in those jeans”.
You know what? You might be the first time. Maybe even the first ten
times. But what about when it becomes pervasive? What about when you
can't go the store, or the library, or to a convention that
represents a fandom that you love, without knowing in the back of
your mind that you might end up subjected to that kind of
behavior...or worse?
Let
me put this another way.
Have
you ever had an acquaintance or a colleague who thought that you were
closer friends than you were? You know that kind of sinking dread
when you run into them in line at Starbucks, or at the store, and
then...oh God, eye contact. In an instant they are talking to you,
asking about you, wanting to hang out, and ignoring that you came to
that place to do a thing that wasn't necessarily socializing. You
know the passing irritation of: “Dude, I just want to get my coffee
and then be on my way”?
Ok,
so why is it so hard to imagine that maybe...that's how most other
people doing most things out in the wide world feel? I'm not saying
this is true of everyone, ok? Lots of people thrive on that
attention. But for most of us...we're just doing our thing. I'm not
sure why it is so hard to understand that if a person goes to work,
the store, the gym, comic-con, a Supernatural convention, or to an
event where their favorite author is on a panel...they are there to
be there. Not to be there for you.
They are there to immerse themselves in a culture they enjoy. And
they should be allowed to do that without being harassed.
Am
I saying that flirting is wrong? No, of course not. What is
wrong is assuming that you are entitled
to spew your lust all over another person. It is wrong to assume that
it is the other person's job to curb your bad behavior.
You are not in daycare. Have some respect. Treat others like you'd
want to be treated. How you'd want your sister, your brother, your
children, to be treated.
In
other words, follow Wheaton's Law:
“Don't
be a dick”.
